We Begin at the End Read online

  Walk cleared his throat. “Your mother … was there a man—”

  “There’s always a man. Whenever anything fucked up happens in the world, there’s always a man.”

  “Darke?”

  She held straight.

  “You can’t tell me?” he asked.

  “I’m an outlaw.”

  “Right.”

  She wore a bow in her hair and fussed with it often. She was too thin, too pale, too beautiful like her mother.

  “There’s a baby just been born down there.” Walk changed it up.

  “What did they call it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Fifty bucks says it’s not Duchess.”

  He laughed gently. “Exotic by rarity. You know you were going to be Emily.”

  “Sore must be the storm.”

  “Right.”

  “She still reads that one to Robin.” Duchess sat, crossed her leg, rubbed the muscle, her sneaker loose and worn. “Is this my storm, Walk?”

  He sipped coffee, like he was searching for an answer to an impossible question. “I like Duchess.”

  “You try it a while. If I was a boy I might’ve been Sue.” She lay her head back and watched the strips blink. “She wants to die.”

  “She doesn’t. You mustn’t think that.”

  “I can’t decide if suicide is the most selfish or selfless act.”

  At six a nurse led her.

  Star lay, a shadow of a person, even less of a mother.

  “The Duchess of Cape Haven.” Star, her smile there but weak. “It’s alright.”

  Duchess watched her, then Star cried and Duchess crossed the room, pressed her cheek to her mother’s chest and wondered how her heart still beat.

  Together they lay in amid the dawn, a fresh day but no light of promise because Duchess knew promise was a falsity.

  “I love you. I’m sorry.”

  There was much Duchess could say, but for the moment she could find nothing more than, “I love you. I know.”

  2

  AT THE CREST OF THE hill the land fell away.

  Sun climbed cerulean sky as Duchess, riding in the back with her brother beside, took his small hand in hers.

  Walk eased the cruiser down their street and pulled up out front of the old house, then followed them in. He tried to fix breakfast but found the cupboards so bare he left them and ran to Rosie’s Diner, then returned with pancakes and smiled as Robin ate three.

  After she’d washed Robin’s face and laid out his clothes, Duchess went out front and found Walk sitting on the step. She watched the Cape begin its modest wake, the mailman passed, Brandon Rock from the house beside came out and hosed down his lawn. That they did not give a second look to the cruiser parked outside the Radley home made Duchess sad and glad.

  “Can I give you a ride in?”

  “No.” She settled beside him and tied her lace.

  “I can collect your mom.”

  “She said she’d call Darke.”

  Duchess did not know the true nature of her mother’s friendship with Chief Walker, though she guessed he wanted to fuck her, like the other men in town.

  She looked out at their tired yard. The last summer she’d set about planting with her mother. Robin had bought a small watering can and softened the dirt, his cheeks colored as he made trip after trip. Blue-eyes, Indian mallow and mountain lilac.

  They died of neglect.

  “Did she say what it was?” Walk said it gently. “Last night, you know why?”

  It was the kind of cruel question she was not used to from him, because, mostly, there wasn’t any kind of reason. But this time she knew why he asked, she knew about Vincent King, about her aunt Sissy who was buried in the cemetery by the edge of the bluff. Everyone knew her grave, behind the sun-bleached picket, with the babies that hadn’t made it, the children cut down by the same God their parents prayed to.

  “She didn’t say nothing.”

  Behind they heard Robin. Duchess stood and fixed his hair, wiped toothpaste from his cheek with her spit and then checked his schoolbag, that he had his reading book and journal, his water bottle.

  She slid the straps over his shoulders and he smiled and she smiled back.

  They stood side by side and watched the cruiser pare the long street, and then Duchess slipped an arm around her brother and they began to walk.

  The neighbor cut the hose and walked over to the edge of his yard, slight limp he tried hard to correct. Brandon Rock. Broad, tan. A stud in one ear, feathered hair, silk robe. Sometimes he benched with the garage door up and metal blaring out.

  “Your mother again? Someone should call social services.” Voice like his nose had been broken but never fixed. He carried a dumbbell in one hand and curled it now and then. His right arm noticeably bigger than the left.

  Duchess turned to him.

  Breeze blew. His robe parted.

  She wrinkled her nose. “Flashing a kid. I should call the cops.”

  Brandon stared as Robin led her away.

  “Did you see Walk’s hands shaking?’ Robin said.

  “Always worse in the morning.”

  “Why?”

  She shrugged but knew. Walk and her mother, their shared troubles and the way they dealt with them.

  “Did Mom say anything, last night, when I was in my room?” She’d been doing her homework, her project on her family tree, when Robin hammered at the door and said Mom was sick again.

  “She had her photos out. The old ones, with Sissy and Grandpa.” Robin had taken to the idea of having a grandpa the first time he’d seen the tall man in their mother’s photographs. That he’d never met him, that Star said next to nothing about him, did not seem to matter. Robin needed people, the cushion of barren names that would keep him from feeling so vulnerable. He longed for cousins and uncles and Sunday football and barbeque, like the other kids in his class.

  “Do you know about Vincent King?”

  Duchess took his hand as they crossed onto Fisher. “Why, what do you know about him?”

  “That he killed Aunt Sissy. Thirty years ago. In the seventies, when men had mustaches and Mom wore her hair funny.”

  “Sissy wasn’t our aunt, not really.”

  “She was,” he said simply. “She looked like you and Mom. The same.”

  Duchess had got the bones of the story over the years, from Star when she slurred it, from the archives at the library in Salinas. The same library where she’d spent the past spring working on their family tree. She’d traced Radley roots back far, then dropped the book to the floor when she’d made the link to a wanted outlaw named Billy Blue Radley. It was the kind of find she’d been proud of, something more when she stood up front and presented to the class. There was still a whole load of nothing on her father’s side, just the kind of question mark that drew an angry exchange with her mother. Not once but twice Star had been with a stranger, got herself pregnant, left two children with a lifetime of wondering just whose blood pumped their veins. Slut, she’d whispered beneath her breath. It saw her grounded for a month.

  “You know he’s coming out of prison today?” Robin kept his tone hushed like it was a grave secret.

  “Who told you that?”

  “Ricky Tallow.”

  Ricky Tallow’s mother worked dispatch at Cape Haven PD.

  “What else did Ricky say?”

  Robin looked away.

  “Robin?”

  He folded quick. “That he should’ve fried for it. But then Miss Dolores yelled at him.”

  “Should’ve fried. You know what that means?”

  “No.”

  Duchess took his hand across onto Virginia Avenue, the lots a little bigger. The town of Cape Haven tumbled its way toward the water, land value inverse to the hills; Duchess knew her place, their home on the furthest street from the ocean.

  They fell in with a group of kids. Duchess heard talk about the Angels and the draft.

  When they got to the ga
te she fussed with his hair once more and made sure his shirt was buttoned right.

  Kindergarten stood beside Hilltop Middle. Duchess would spend her break at the fence, looking over at her brother. He’d wave and smile and she’d eat her sandwich and watch him.

  “You be good.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Don’t say nothing about Mom.”

  She hugged him, kissed his cheek and sent him in, watching till Miss Dolores took over. Then she moved on, the sidewalk thick with kids.

  Duchess kept her head down as she passed the steps, where a group gathered, Nate Dorman and his friends.

  Nate, collar flicked up, sleeves rolled over skinny biceps. “Heard your mom got fucked up again.”

  Laughter chorused.

  She squared to him straight off.

  He stared back. “What?”

  She met his eye. “I am the outlaw, Duchess Day Radley, and you are the coward, Nate Dorman.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  She took a step forward and watched him swallow. “Talk about my family again and I’ll behead you, motherfucker.”

  He tried a laugh but didn’t quite manage it. There were rumors about her; despite the pretty face and slight frame, she could turn, lose it so bad not even his friends would step in.

  She pushed past, heard him exhale heavily as she walked on, into school, eyes burning from another tortured night.

  3

  THE ERODING CLIFFS RAN A twisting mile before the road swept the bay and vanished into the tall oaks of Clearwater Cove. Walk followed the line, never edging past thirty.

  He’d left Duchess and Robin then driven to the King house, bagged leaves from the path and picked litter from the yard. He’d tended it weekly for thirty years, part of his staid routine.

  At the station he checked in with Leah Tallow on the front desk, just the two of them, Walk on call every day of his life. From the window he watched seasons change and vacationers come and go. Hampers were left. Wine and cheese and chocolate that saw him punch another hole in his belt each year.

  They had an auxiliary, Louanne, she came in when they needed her, parades, shows, or times when she was just plain bored of tending to her yard.

  “You all set for today, return of the King?”

  “I’ve been ready thirty years.” He tried to keep his smile in check. “I’m heading out, I’ll pick up pastries on the way back.”

  He strolled up Main, same every morning, the practiced walk, the cop stride he’d seen on TV. He’d tried a mustache, like Magnum, made notes when watching Forensic Files, and once even bought a beige raincoat. If a real case ever came in, he’d be ready.

  Flags hung from streetlamps, shiny SUVs parked nose to tail and green awnings cast shade over a spotless sidewalk. He saw the Pattersons’ Mercedes double parked, wouldn’t write it up, maybe just offer a friendly warning when he next saw Curtis.

  He quickened by the butcher’s but Milton came out fast, then stood on the stoop, whites splashed red, a cloth in his hand like he could rid the stains from his palms.

  “Morning, Walk.” Milton was hairy. Thick swirls sprouted from every inch of him, the kind of man who had to shave to his eyeline three times a day in case a passing zookeeper shot him with a tranquilizer dart.

  Strung deer in the window, so fresh a day back it had been roaming the Mendocino. Milton hunted, during the season he’d close up and don his deerstalker, load the Comanche with rifles and sheets and a cooler of beer. Walk had gone with him one time, couldn’t find an excuse that lasted long enough.

  “Did you talk to Brandon Rock yet?” Milton spit the name, every word labored, like he’d run clean out of breath during a decent conversation.

  “On my list.”

  Brandon Rock had a Mustang that misfired so bad half the street called it in the first time it happened. It was becoming a nuisance.

  “I heard about her. Star. Again.” Milton dabbed sweat from his head with the bloody cloth. Rumor had it he ate nothing but meat, and it was taking a toll.

  “She’s alright. Sick, this time she was just sick.”

  “I saw it all. Damn shame … with those children.”

  Milton lived directly across from Star. He took the kind of interest in her and the kids that spoke more of a lonely life than the dwindling Neighborhood Watch group the man commanded.

  “You always see it all, Milton. Maybe you should’ve been a cop.”

  Milton waved a hand. “I got enough on with the Watch. 10-51 the other night.”

  “Wrecker needed.”

  Milton used police codes liberally, and badly.

  “She’s lucky she’s got you looking out for her.” Milton pulled a toothpick from his pocket and got to work on a piece of flesh lodged between his two front teeth. “I was thinking of Vincent King. Is it today? People said it’s today.”

  “It is.” Walk bent, picked up a soda can and dropped it into the trash, the sun warm on his neck.

  Milton whistled. “Thirty years, Walk.”

  It would’ve been ten, worst case ten, but for a fight inside. Walk didn’t ever get the full report, just knew his childhood friend had two deaths on his hands. Ten years became thirty, manslaughter became murder, a boy became a man.

  “I still think about that day. Us walking the woodland. So, he is coming back to the Cape?”

  “Far as I know.”

  “You can send him here, if he needs anything. Actually, tell you what, Walk. How about I put a couple trotters aside for him. How does that sound?”

  Walk searched for the words.

  “So.” Milton cleared his throat and looked down at the ground. “The sky tonight … supermoon. It’ll be a sight, and I just got myself a new Celestron. I mean, I need to set things up, but if you wanted to stop by—”

  “I’ve got something on. Another time?”

  “Sure. But come here after your shift, I can give you the neck.” Milton nodded toward the deer.

  “Please, God, no.” Walk backed away, then patted his stomach. “I need to lose—”

  “Don’t worry, it’s lean. If you stew it right it’s a decent cut. I’d offer up the heart but once I get a sear on it that flavor just sings.”

  Walk closed his eyes, the nausea creeping up. His hands shook. Milton noticed, looked like he wanted to say something more so Walk moved on fast.

  He saw no one around so popped a couple of pills. He was acutely and painfully aware of his dependency.

  He moved past cafés and storefronts, said hello to a few, helped Mrs. Astor load grocery bags into her car, listened as Felix Coke bent his ear about the traffic on Fullerton.

  He stopped by Brant’s Delicatessen, rows of pastries and cheeses filled the window.

  “Hey, Chief Walker.”

  Alice Owen, hair pulled back and a full face of makeup despite the workout clothes. She carried some kind of miniature cross so skinny Walk counted off its ribs as it trembled. He reached forward to pet it and watched the teeth bare.

  “Would you mind holding on to Lady while I pick something up? I’ll just be a second.”

  “Sure.” He reached for the leash.

  “Oh, you can’t put her down. She’s just been clipped and her nails are tender.”

  “The claws?”

  Alice thrust the dog into his arms and headed inside.

  He watched through the window as she placed an order then stopped and talked with another vacationer. Ten minutes passed, the dog panting into his face.

  When Alice finally made it back she was laden with bags so he carried the dog over to her SUV and waited while she loaded it. She thanked him, then reached into a paper bag and handed him a cannoli. He made a fuss of trying not to take it, then waited till he was clear of Main before eating it down in two bites.

  He walked along Cassidy then cut through onto Ivy Ranch Road. At Star’s place he stood on the porch a while, listening to the music play inside.

  Star opened the door before he could knock, met him with the kin
d of smile that kept him from giving up on her. Hollowed out but beautiful, beaten down but her eyes still shone. She wore a pink apron like she’d been baking. Walk knew the cupboards were bare.

  “Good afternoon, Chief Walker.”

  In spite of himself he couldn’t help the smile.

  There was a fan moving slow, drywall bare in spots, drapes pulled from their rings like Star couldn’t close out the day quick enough. The radio played loud, Skynyrd sang about Alabama as Star danced her way through the kitchen, loading a garbage bag with empty beers bottles and packs of Lucky Strike. She grinned at him, looking like a kid as she did. She still had that way, vulnerable, troubled and trouble.

  She spun once, then tossed a foil ashtray into the sack.

  Above the fireplace was a photo, the two of them, fourteen, ready and waiting for the future to come at them.

  “How’s your head?”

  “Never better. I’m thinking clear now, Walk. Thanks and all … last night. But I think maybe I needed it, you know. One last time. Now I’m seeing right.” She tapped her head, then moved on, still dancing. “The kids, they didn’t see nothing, right?”

  “Are we going to talk about it, today?”

  As the music faded out she finally stopped moving, wiped the sweat from her head and tied her hair back. “It’ll come and it’ll go. Does Duchess know?”

  Star asking him about her own daughter.

  “The whole town knows.”

  “You think he’s changed?”

  “We all have.”

  “Not you, Walk.” She aimed for admiration but all he heard was disdain.

  He hadn’t seen Vincent in five years, though he’d tried often. The visits were close at first, he’d ride with Gracie King in the old Regal. It had been cold and hard, the judge sending a fifteen-year-old boy to a men’s prison. Star’s father took the stand, told of Sissy, of the kind of girl she was becoming. They showed photos of the scene, little legs, blood on a small hand. They called in Principal Hutch, and he told about the kind of boy Vincent was. Trouble.